Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
