I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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