Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm bleeding and have questions
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
