I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
