Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
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