I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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