Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
