Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i came on her dog
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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