maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
