i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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