Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
