ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
