you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
