Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
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