My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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