just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
