I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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