this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
