very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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