I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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