woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
