When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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