I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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