Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
