First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
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