So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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