life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize