I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Randomize
