M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
