I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
