oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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