I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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