At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
