i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
