I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
