If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
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You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
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in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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