I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
