Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
