I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
