one two three fourrrrnication!
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
