if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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