I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
