she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
