i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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