Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
