i may or may not be watching the land before time
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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