first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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