This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
