I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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