I only kidnapped one of them. chill
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Someone came in the potted fern
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Randomize
