Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
