Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Randomize
