I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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