Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
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Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
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Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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