My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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