hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
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Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
be right there i have to get my cape
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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