The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
