I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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