**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
