im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
